“Service above Self” (Crack before committee meetings…)
Too bad about that “crack video” going missing. Sorry, “alleged” crack video. But it probably doesn’t make much difference for Rob Ford or his brother Doug, or his other brother Doug at this stage of the game. That’s because according to their “seeing is believing” credo, people don’t have to see the actual, er, alleged video to believe that it’s probably what the “scumbags” in the media have said it is.
Rob Ford, the chucklehead clown prince of Nathan Philips Square, who signs on his CFRB radio show by greeting his listeners as “ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls” only to immediately crack up (sorry) at his own material. Rob Ford the soft-spoken, apple-polishing “people’s Mayor” who can’t control his impulses—like calling the media “a bunch of maggots”.
Rob Ford the child-man volunteer football coach at the Catholic high school who fumbles nearly every down, who makes Toronto a global joke-butt every time he shows up to play. Rob Ford, the used car salesman who claims he’s saved the GTA “billions” in tax savings while irrevocably squandering its credibility. The man who turned civic politics in Canada’s once respected (gulp) commercial capital into a spinoff of the Survivor reality-show franchise.
“A bunch of maggots…”
And then’s there’s his other brother, Doug. The most selfless, dedicated, family-conscious and altruistic bro a neophyte mayor could ask for. An altruist by nature, who personifies his Rotary Club credo of “….”—sorry, we’ll put that in later—brazenly accused by the Globe and Mail of being a mere mid-level supplier of cannabis resin in the 1980s in his native Etobicoke-by-the-Queensway (LOON editorial note: at publication time, no known legal action against the Globe or any other media outlet has been initiated).
Manager of the Ford family’s lucrative printing biz, avid football nut like his little bro Robbie, and not averse to referring to the Mayor’s wife—his own sister-in-law, as a “Polack” (she’s from that country…).
And there he was, in the lea of the May two-four long weekend, hunkering down before the media scrum at City Hall, in his nine hundred thousand dollar blue suit, his jowels bulging like Jackie Presser (successor to James Hoffa as prez of the Teamsters), eyes cast intently down upon a prepared statement that he proceeded to deliver with the allaise of a high school student forced to recite his long overdue English essay to the other members of the remedial class as a punishment for skipping the entire first semester.
Leave my mother out of this…
So as the cameras set up and the reporters closed in around him, Councillor Doug, dished for a good ten minutes about the abuse and outright harassment he and his family—including his “mother”—had been suffering at the hands of the wolverines and worse in the fifth estate. Staked outside his cottage, preying on his kids as they ventured out in the early morning to jog, relentlessly hounding this unsullied municipal juggernaut whose only transgression was that he loved his little brother too much.
And the whole bit was actually going pretty much according to script when the slippery pigskin that is the “crack video” scandal suddenly got away from Councillor Ford and he let it slip.
Sometimes an extortionist is just an extortionist…
Literally, a Fordian slip of gargantuan proportions in which Big Doug unwittingly allowed his righteous Rotarian indignation to engulf his upper torso and brain pan faster than a free-basing inferno of the type that nearly claimed the life of a genuine comedic giant– the late, great Richard Pryor.
For Doug Ford spoke with such intense disdain and palpable “disgust” for the entire episode of alleged crack-smoking of His Brother The Mayor and for the shit-rats at the U.S. “gossip website” gawker.com and especially the Toronto Star that the Councillor may have forgotten himself and temporarily lost sight of the blurry nano-boundary separating alleged fact and alleged defamation.
To the folks at Gawker, what you are doing is disgusting and morally wrong. Giving away prizes to try to raise money for drug dealers and extortionists is disgraceful.
But to others—the more astute perhaps, dare we self-promote—hearing this strange turn of phrase for the first time, and sensing with ever greater twinges of unease that something was the antithesis of logical within it, the other shoe suddenly fell like a scandalized politician’s chance of re-election.
Why, in the name of all that the Rotary Club reveres and champions, would Councillor Doug Ford make reference to “extortionists” in connection with the “alleged” and by his mayoral sibling and his own repeated insistence, non-existent, crack cocaine video?
“Drug dealers and extortionists…”
Because as everyone with a rudimentary command of the English language is aware, “extortion” is defined as threatening someone with harmful action or consequences if that person does not do what you demand them to do.
For example, if someone in possession of an actual video recording of a public official approached that official and threatened to expose or publish the video unless the official paid them—the person with possession of the video—a large sum of money.
And by the same ordinary definition of “extortion”, an “extortionist” or “extortionists,” could logically only be the person or folks in possession of the incriminating video or otherwise in a position to demand money from the official in question.
Which immediately raises the $200,000 crackstarter question: to whom and to what was Doug Ford referring when he made reference to “extortionists”?
Since, as the Councillor described them, “the folks at Gawker,” were never, we are led to understand, in possession of the alleged crack video in the first instance, and were the one(s) offering money publicly to those in possession of it, it would be completely nonsensical to use the term “extortionists” to describe them.
Is that what they mean by “possession is nine-tenths of the law”?
So exactly what was Doug Ford getting at when he said “drug dealers and extortionists” were involved in the “disgraceful” events surrounding the alleged video of his brother smoking crack with dodgy individuals?
The Councillor’s reference would only make sense if, in fact, he were inadvertently telegraphing the fact that Mayor Ford was approached directly by the persons in possession of the alleged video who demanded money from the Mayor or his camp and threatened its publication if the Mayor failed to do so.
And by that singular explanation, Mayor Ford would be the implied object or victim of that attempt by “extortionists” to enrich themselves at his expense. And in that context, it would make sense to describe them as “extortionists”, especially by someone who was possibly privy to the entire sordid exchange of piles of moolah for a politically compromising video recording of the mayor of Canada’s largest burgh hitting the pipe.
Crack, that is, cocaine. Take your shoes off. Y’all come back now. Heah?