My kingdom for a war
Given that the hemmorhagic nosedive in Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s popularity shows no signs of letting up in the weeks and now one-month following first detection of the smelly, flatulence that is the Mike Duffy-Nigel Wright-Pamela Wallin-Carolyn Stewart-Olsen-Secret PMO slush-fund-All of the Above Affair that floated topside in mid-February, Canadians should probably count their blessings that our fearless leader has not yet made good on his designs to make our nation a vanguard of global vigilantism.
Were that so, it may be that instead of watching him skip the country with the frequency of a weakened bladder–two “summits” to attend in less than a month–we might instead be embroiled in a conscription crisis as PM Harper, emulating his ideological Mother Deity, Maggie Thatcher, tries to reverse his sub-grade approval ratings by declaring war on a tiny, geopolitically innocuous piece of contested mid-ocean real estate à la Falklands War, circa 1983. Or would it be The Gipper’s “invasion” of the short-lived Marxist bastion of Grenada in the same year?
In our case, all GPS readings might focus on the Turks and Caicos, where, even as we speak, er, hunt and peck, a group of Islamo-fascist sponsored guerrillas called the Bottle Creek Liberation Army (BCLA) threatens to topple the unstable civilian government following the arrest late last year in Brazil of former leader and now accused embezzler and rapist, Michael Misick.
And if our embattled and friendless PM wanted to staunch the bleeding with a few deft rattles from his sabre, it would simply be a matter of dispatching defence minister Pictou Mackay on a diplomatic shuttle (one that doesn’t make stops at private fishing lodges) to the Caribbean to help make Canada’s long coveted prospective eleventh province safe for snorkeling and para-sailing once again.
Can I get that in writing?
Alas, Mr. Harper’s erstwhile astute and cunning media flacks in the Prime Minister’s Office have been rather off their game of late.
Losing control of the Duffygate file has proven a major drain, to say nothing of the departure of Nigel Wright, affectionately known to PMO insiders as “Deep Pockets” during his tenure as Mr. Harper’s two hundred and thirteenth chief-of-staff since 2010.
Pulling a Wag The Dog-style media-generated military invasion cum “popular” coup in the Turks and Caicos would certainly address many of the PM’s current crises in one fell swoop: an invasion would force the dormant pacifists in Tom Mulcair’s “socialist” NDP caucus to vote with their water shoes instead of their enlarged senses of indignation, and it would galvanize widespread cynicism about the “true colours” of neophyte Liberal front-guy Justin “In Over His Head” Trudeau.
But every war of liberation from Vietnam to Afghanistan requires a precipitating media event. LOON cyber-war strategists, having studied over three thousand years’ worth of civil wars and botched military incursions on a new iPhone app they discovered last week, suggest the following win-win scenario:
A Canadian-owned tourist hotel in the T&C is ransacked by economy-class BCLA terrorists. Fleeing Canadian hotel guests (and their paid escorts) are forced to relocate to a three-star flop with no in-room minibar amenities. The Royal Canadian Air Force dispatches a refurbished Sea King chopper from Shearwater, N.S. to evacuate them but is warned off by BCLA threats to “max out” the Canadians’ VISA cards.
Stephen Harper, who is coincidentally hosting Prince Harry at his Harrington Lake retreat in the Gatineau, goes on national television–JFK-style–and sternly warns, make that threatens the terrorists with the “full weight” of Canadian armed might if they don’t relent and release their hostages.
Prince Harry valiantly volunteers to co-pilot a RCAF Hercules supply aircraft with celebrity do-gooder John Travolta to the T&C to affect a daring commando-style rescue.
Mr. Harper gets dressed up in a pilot’s jump suit and helmet and waves at the plane while it takes off.
From a Tim Hortons franchise outside of Pugwash, defence minister MacKay announces the Harper Government’s intention to send 10,000 Canadian troops to the T&C to help “restore democracy”…
Promotional consideration for this invasion was provided by…
The invasion goes like clockwork. When the RCAF and CF ground troops hit the beaches, the BCLA is nowhere to be found–as if they were never there in the first place!
The Canadian tourists are given complimentary Hortons swag and PM Harper and family are welcomed ashore to a cheering ovation on a paddle boat festooned in Economic Action Plan logos.
By the time it’s finished, Canada has a new vacation resort and offshore tax haven, the PM’s popularity is–like the local temperature in the T&C–back in the high 30s. And the fortunes of the NDP and Liberal Party of Canada leaders have been dashed.
But as Dave Bidini might say, “But now, love, let’s be real…”
Stephen Harper’s latest “candid” video performance–showing him “goofing around” like just-plain-folks at some generic Conservative Party stump orgy and doing his supposedly “not bad” impressions of the likes of John Diefenbaker, Joe Clark, Preston Manning and even estranged PC Godfather, Brian Mulroney–is a pathetic attempt at urinating directly into the monsoon strength winds of popular antipathy to his pith and substance.
Since when did we elect an emperor?
And nothing has pithed off Canadians more, we suspect, than the unrelenting arrogance and sense of entitlement–make that, overentitlement–of his bevy of PMO staffers and media flunkeys and Conservative Party of Canada hangers-who resemble extras from a 3-D horror-movie version of Revenge of the Nerds.
The Senate scandal has not abated. It has widened and deepened. And on top of it all, Mr. Harper’s game-plan–most recently, to show off his “human side”–reeks of disingenuous media spinning and naked desperation.
Our PM–who pointedly promised jail terms to rule benders and liars on his new watch–now eschews multiple opportunities to answer truthfully simple questions from the media or in the House of Commons about the Senate mess.
Yet, incredibly the Harper crew hopes we’ll all find his slightly edgy send-ups of his former Unite The Right rivals (and subsequent victims) somehow cute and chuckle-worthy.
If anything, the supposedly candid clip leaves the PM open to renewed accusations that while he acts all sweetness and light and tell-the-truth in public, when off-guard, he’s not that nice a guy and, Heaven forbid, possibly a bit of a goof.
Canadians may be unduly polite but naive or stupid we ain’t. And none of us, except maybe those little shits who are perpetually drunk on the PMO kool-ade, are buying this latest Youtube‘d denial of oversight and responsibility.
And we all know that the PM can’t speak the straight goods because the truth would sweep him from office before you could say ‘Nigel Wright”.
So he abandons us to his usual crew of suspects in the PMO–his comms guy Fred Delorey and co-campaign manager–Jenni Byrne–a Harperian version of Melisandre, the Red Priestess of the Lord of Light in HBO’s Game of Thrones..
They continue to restrict their media interactions to e-mail exchanges and Twitter-based pot-shots at all enemies of the Tory Gods.
Canadians in the mean time are fed up and impatient with the blatant hypocrisy and spin-doctoring from these erstwhile champions of “accountability” and “transparency” who have conveniently abandoned whatever ostensible ethical judgment or moral values they once claim to have held to power-hoarding self-justification. [Sorry, we had the Rex Murphy style-template plugged in there by mistake.]